Post 5: The Countdown Has Begun

Recently, I have been experiencing the most unsettling feeling in my stomach. It’s a feeling of disappointment. It’s weird because I’m not entirely sure why I’m feeling this way…Is it because I’m not satisfied with my job? Is it because I’m not satisfied with my personal life? Is it because I’m not reaching my full potential? Is it all of these things and more?

Honestly, I think this feeling might just be the effect of realizing that my time is ticking…

Although I somewhat enjoy my daily routine, it is ultimately taking away from what I actually want to be doing. For example, while at work, I always get the energy to be creative – to write and to draw and to sing. Normally, this creativity would be A-mazing, but not in the context of work. At work, I have to be focused. I have a number of goals that I want to achieve inside of the office, and something like drawing just doesn’t fit. It sucks because my natural instinct is to be a creative. Therefore, a structured environment, though nice at times, completely takes away from who I am as an individual. Not to mention, after a full day in the office, I am too exhausted to work on personal projects at home.

What makes matters worse is that I am unsure about how long this feeling will last. As I look at people who are much older than me (i.e. my sister), I get a little discouraged. My sister is 30 years old and still trying to figure it out. Although women in their 30s are still considered young nowadays, the reality is that once you hit 30 there’s no turning back. Don’t get me wrong – dreams can come true at any age, but their likelihood decreases as time goes on. That’s just what happens when you gradually obtain more responsibilities. I am already seeing it with me. At 24, I am trying to figure it out, trying to pay the bills, trying to save money, etc. My time is halved, and the only way to combat this issue seems to be to work longer hours.

Some people might think that I am being a little paranoid, but who in their mid 20s isn’t? When you have an idea of where you want to be when you’re older, you begin to understand how your decisions today will affect your progress tomorrow. I currently have all of these ideas in my head. Some I have managed to bring to life, but the majority have already begun to fall by the wayside. And, if I don’t step up and tackle my dreams now, then I’m almost certain that they’ll never come true (at least in the exact way and order I want them to).

My time is definitely ticking….At least that’s what it feels like.

Post 4: Can We Be Friends?

A huge part of the postgrad experience is learning how to maintain friendships/relationships.

In college, everything seems so simple. All of your friends are in one place. Then, you graduate and wonder where everyone went. At least that’s how I was when I moved down to LA right after school. I moved on my own terms, and it didn’t matter where anyone else was. I was doing what I wanted to do. I was pursuing my goals.

Overtime, however, I realized that I needed to be around the people that I loved most. Many of my friends were either in the San Francisco area or on the east coast – and so, I naturally had to come back to the place where it was much easier to maintain the friendships that I had formed in college. All in all it’s been a pretty amazing experience living around close friends. I finally feel like I have a stable support system away from home, and it’s definitely come in handy these past few months.

Unfortunately, I’m now faced with the reality of losing a huge part of that support system.

 It’s always scary to lose a friend. I’ve already had to go through it multiple times and for multiple reasons. But this time around, it’s not college. Like I’ve already said, I am down to a select group of individuals that I depend on on a regular basis. And yet, I am forced to say goodbye to one friend in that select group in order to create a healthier friendship in the future.

It’s funny because I know a lot of other postgrads who are also in this same type of situation. They have been forced to give up friendships without the certainty that they’ll ever get them back. Sure, it’s an extremely uncomfortable feeling, but it’s also a decision that leads to serious growth for both players.

Personally, I can’t predict the future. I have no idea where my friend and I will stand after a few weeks, months, or years. I do know, however, that the answer to the question “Can we be friends?” is always “Yes”. It’s “Are we friends?” and “Do you want to be friends?” that are sometimes questionable.

Luckily, in my situation, I think it’s “Yes” to all of the above…

At the end of the day, I’m just not ready to turn in my final answers. Right now, I want my decisions to have more positive outcomes than they’ve had in the past. And that will only happen if I give myself some friendly separation.

p.s. I’m realizing this blog is turning more and more into a journal every time I write…lol I’m fine with putting it all out there because I know there’s someone going through similar experiences.

Post 3: The Postgrad Cliques

Recently, my roommate and I have been laughing about our lives and how we have “no friends.” Fortunately, for us that is not true, and we do have friends. However, we also have some straggler friends, who somehow manage to be around even when we don’t want them to.

Most of you know exactly what I’m talking about. There’s always that one person or group of people that you have to tolerate because one way or another they’ve managed to insert themselves into your same circle of friends. Of course, it’s not their fault – you are inserting yourself into their lives as well. That’s right, one complicated web of people who kind of like each other, but not really… who kind of think each other are cool, but not really…who  kind of want to be friends, but ONLY to secure their invitations to birthday parties, dinners, and housewarmings.

Even though we’re all guilty of it, is it really our fault? After all, isn’t that what postgradom is all about? Networking?

Since it’s a topic that comes up a lot around the bay area, I figure I just throw it out there.

Post 2: Single And Not Tryna Mingle

More recently, my girlfriends and I have been going a little relationship crazy. All of us want that special someone to magically appear and save the day. The problem is that that special someone doesn’t exist for any of us right now.

My Story

Last year, I had a huge wake up call when the boy I fell in love with didn’t want me as his girlfriend. I tried to do everything right. I worked my ass off to be more open. I tried to be fun. I was always supportive of anything that he wanted to do. I didn’t get jealous when he mentioned other girls (and hid my jealousy at times). And not once did I ever pressure him to be in a relationship. But in doing all this – in trying to please him, I lost myself and what it was that I wanted – I wanted him to be my boyfriend.

No matter what I did or how I felt, however, I could never get him to commit to me. As a result, I started to wonder what was wrong with me. Like, why wasn’t this guy falling as hard? Why didn’t he want to make me his? Why wasn’t I desirable enough?

Today, I still love this guy with all of my heart. However, the thought of him is getting easier now that we aren’t together. For months, I continued to ask the same questions (as seen above) before finally realizing that it wasn’t worth it. He doesn’t want me and it’s completely fine. It’s “his loss.” There’s only so many times that I can throw my heart on the table before it gets tired of being there. Not to mention, I think he could never be with me because he’s in love with someone else…

ANYWAYS…

There are plenty of people who share my story. However, not everyone gives themselves enough time to heal. Right now, I am single and not ready to mingle…And surprisingly am becoming content with my current status.

Post 1: Mad

It’s been almost a year now since I’ve graduated from college. Actually June 14th (at least I think so anyways) will mark my one year post grad anniversary. SUPER EXCIIIIIIIITING! Not…

I know what you guys are thinking. Here we go. Another emo young adult. I promise you my outlook on life is not that depressing. I mean, I work for one of the most A-mazing companies in the world. I’m surrounded by loved ones, and will be moving into San Francisco pretty soon with two of my closest girlfriends. My life’s becoming pretty legit.

Honestly, I’m not mad because of the way things are now. I’m mad because I can no longer see into my future. 

Remember when you were a little kid? The world was full of possibilities. According to my imagination I could’ve been anything from a wealthy housewife to a carefree mermaid to a scheming pirate for a profession (Don’t judge me). Anyways, the fact of the matter is, those big imaginative dreams of yesterday, don’t look like my future of tomorrow with the exception of a “wealthy housewife.” I might still be able to pull that one off if I’m lucky….

Anyways, now that I’m older, it’s almost as if I can’t dream anymore. Reality has made this world more about survival and comfortability than ambition and risk-taking. You would think that with everything that happens in college, one would become even more ambitious and daring. But, at the end of the day, it’s all about being independent, paying bills, saving money and affording the latest J. Crew catalog. 

For a while there, I did attempt the more ambitious road. Before high school, I had decided that I was going to be a top notch Hollywood producer. I was going to rule the world. After college, I was determined to make this dream happen. I packed my bags and moved down to LA, a city where I had very few close friends and no family,  with only the certainties of a summer internship at a talent agency in my pocket. Once my internship was over, however, I had no sense of direction. I didn’t know what to do. So, naturally, I fell into the trap of accepting an unpaid internship while working the classic post-grad part-time job as a tutor. And if having no direction wasn’t bad enough, I had to deal with the murder of my boss in Beverly Hills and a Hollywood funeral that could’ve easily become an original Lifetime movie. By the way, I’ll let you know when it premieres because I’m almost certain someone’s penning a script right now.

Granted….most post grads don’t have something that crazy happen to them five months out of school. It just goes to show you, however, that the world gets a little more real as you get a little older.  

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that nothing can ever prepare you for the real world, especially college. Meaning we have to prepare ourselves. We have to be willing to reevaluate our life plans while simultaneously having fun. We have to work hard to get by and think about new ways to better ourselves. Basically, we have to struggle through postgradom to get anywhere in life.

Therefore, I thought it would be a good idea to create a blog that not only touched on my post grad struggles, but everyone else’s as well. At the end of the day, the post grad life is hard, but hilarious. We might as well discuss and be entertained by it. Right?

So, if you’re a post grad or simply someone, who’s still pretending to be in his/her early twenties, this is definitely going to be the blog for you.